Kids, man. They’re some nasty folks. The skid-marked underwear, the booger-eating . . . every day you attend a new freak show. It gets to be a way of life. Missing the toilet, snot, and poop-in-weird-places are all reality in the kid business. It’s a regular House of Horrors. And you know we’re the first to give a Gross Report on our brood to other moms. Solidarity and all . . .
Unfortunately for moms everywhere, I’m here to set the record straight. I plan to drop some knowledge and peel back the curtain. Call me a turncoat, but it’s time. Kids get the bad rap, but us moms can be just as disgusting. We’re, however, smart enough, with our fully formed brains, to hide our particular form of gross. Sorry, sisters. Get ready. This is happening.
Peeing in the Shower
Come on. Admit it. You hear “Mom, mama, MOM . . . mamamamamamama” somewhere between 100 and one jillion times a day. And, the majority of those happen to be when you’re in the bathroom. Because kids. If they’re not all up in your business as you’re trying to do your business, you’ll inevitably get fingers under the door and savage screams. The same is true for showers. Like a moth to the flame. You start the water, and they appear. It’s freaky. Water’s off, no kid. Water’s on, KID. Kid wanting a PB&J now. NOW! For all that is right and good in this world, can’t a mom pop a squat and clean herself without a (very demanding) audience? This, my friends, is the science behind peeing in the shower. Two birds, one stone. We’re short on time and privacy. Plus, there’s a drain. (There’s an entire Seinfeld episode to back me up on this one.)
Oh! You’re one of the few who actually doesn’t pee in the shower? Well, the answer is simple. You’re better than the rest of us. You happen to be full of self-control and are, clearly, in a league of superior humans. Your type will probably evolve and the rest of us nasties will die out. Happy? Fantastic. Moving along.
Tweezing in the Car
This habit, like peeing in the shower, is all about convenience. Ladies, we ain’t getting any younger. With age and wisdom comes chin hair. Sad, but true. The natural light afforded to us in the car is great for getting those tricky “goat hairs,” as my sister-in-law so fondly refers to them. I like to keep my tweezers in the middle console where I can quickly grab them at red lights or in traffic. Are other drivers and passengers watching me? Absolutely. I like to whip my furry face towards them with an expression that says, “Look away! Dark and ugly things are happening over here!” The sobering part, though, is when you park the car, your child hops in the front seat, grabs the tweezers, and pretends to pluck her chin, too. Your day is coming, kid.
Picking Your Nose
There’s no method to this madness, besides maybe allowing yourself to breath a little more freely. Again, there may be moms out there who truly don’t get down with this particular level of gross. Great! Less neanderthal moms out there, dragging their knuckles around. This bodes well for future generations.
Subbing Baby Wipes for Showers
It all goes back to those darn kids and their adverse feelings towards you being clean. Time for basic hygiene means less time for putting food in their face holes. How could you? What kind of mother are you that you’d consider five minutes for showering when you could be using that time to unwrap a Kids Cliff Bar? Heartless. So, like any good MacGyver Mom, you use the tools around your home. Baby wipes are in no short supply for anyone with babies on up. They clean butts, faces, hands, you name it! Can’t the same be said for us moms? If a shower isn’t in the cards, an old fashioned Huggies Wipe-Down it is! Complete the look with every mom’s bestie, dry shampoo. You can go for days! (Much to the dismay of your partner.)
The Earring Manicure
Don’t have time to hit the nail salon? Once again, you’ve got the necessary tools right at your fingertips! Get rid of under-the-nail grime and tame those overgrown cuticles by using the back of an earring. Be straight with me here. If you don’t do this, you’re considering it now, huh? Maybe it’s gross, but it saves on tips!
What is more alarming than the aforementioned list is all the things I didn’t say! This is a family-friendly piece, for crying out loud! There are loads of nasty, unmentionables us moms think we get away with. And that’s okay! As the center of the universe to our children, we have a, sometimes, filthy job and there’s no way around it. We are the cleaners of throw-up, the wiper of baby (and often older) bums. We gag, we roll our eyes, we scream, “Why?” It is only fair we have a few disturbing habits of our own. As the saying goes, “a little dirt don’t hurt.”
What’s your dirty little secret?