It was a solitary day with no adult interaction and worst of all…no naps.
It was a bath time gone awry and there was much water splashing and one tired mommy.
It was a little girl in Target who would just not stop running away.
It was a mommy struggling with postpartum depression and a two-year boy who wouldn’t stop tugging.
She’d been yelled at by a dictator in the form of a 4-year-old with beautiful curls and cherry cheeks, from morning to night and was just plain tired.
We’ve all been there.
A while back, before I had 2 children, I wrote a blog about yelling (here) and how we shouldn’t do it. Fast forward to 2013…a 2nd kid later and an ever increasingly spirited three-year old (from observing other 3 year olds in my daily life, I can presume this is normal), here’s my not so conspicuous retraction. I’m not one to hide behind facades of what should be to save face. I’m thirty-four and there’s no face-saving time left, figuratively or literally. It’s time to be who I am and it is what it is. I’m a woman in my 30s, deeply in love with my husband and in awe of my precious children, who sometimes drive me absolutely bonkers, and to whom my voice is sometimes raised. This is a version of myself that I don’t like, and someone I never thought I’d be: that mom who is a little bit crazy and emotional sometimes, and who can’t quite always speak calmly.
Oh how I long to be Michelle Duggar. And yes, I do think she’s real. I do think she’s calm and quiet and kind on and off of TV. But I’m not her, and I’ve never been her….and though I try my hardest, and get up early to ease peacefully into the day, and devise ways to divert, sometimes my inner crazy takes over and the decibel reaches one that is hurtful and unconstructive – and I hate that.
So I have a choice…
I can let my pride take over and place blame on the little person who inspired my raised voice. If I do this, those little people will feel my thumb pressing ever so lightly and then eventually heavily on their hearts. They will begin to believe that home is unsafe…and mistakes are unacceptable. They will aim for perfection, and not reaching it, they will be devastated. They will seek to please people throughout life, because keeping people happy is what will bring about love.
Or…
I can say “I’m sorry.” I can admit that I messed up…even if the raised voice was inspired (not caused-never caused) by a disobedient child at 5pm. I can cuddle my child or my husband into my arms (or maybe the Beagle, let’s be honest) and say…”That was wrong of me, will you forgive me?” I can explain that, “sometimes Mommy raises her voice and sometimes, we all make mistakes, but no one deserves to be yelled at, and Mommy is desperately, desperately sorry.” And slowly and surely, I hope they will know that even though we (even mommies) are all flawed, there is always grace, grace asked for and received. There is forgiveness and love unconditional. And that happiness is a by-product of deep, enduring, messy love. Hopefully they will strive for big things, but persevere when life doesn’t go as planned…and they will rest in the fact that their mama adores them for who they are and not what they do and vice versa.
Motherhood is the hardest job on Earth…but our mistakes can be redeemed through our humility.
Over the holidays my fuse got shorter and shorter and I have been finding myself “losing it” and having to apologize way too much. Thanks for the reminder I am not alone.
I told multiple people today and yesterday that I wrote this post 2 months ago. I needed it as a reminder yesterday just as much as anyone!! Haha. Talk about convicting myself.