How to Co-Sleep with Your Older Baby

Co-sleeping is a popular way to reinforce mother/baby bonding and an effective birth control method.

Most mothers experience nine months of pregnancy bliss in which they obligingly sacrifice comfort, rest, and bodily autonomy to bring their precious children into the world. The dependency of a newborn can seemingly rival that of their pre-born needs. While co-sleeping is in my opinion a sensible solution to the issue of frequent nightly feedings, some mothers choose to continue this sweet closeness beyond the first few months and into toddlerhood, questioning their sense and reason.

Having mastered the art of self-sacrifice as it relates to mothering tiny little tyrants, I now communicate to you aspiring new moms my most secret and greatest tips to totally nail this life of non-sleep that ironically suggests the idea of actual sleep. Here is my official guide to co-sleeping with your older baby.

1. Make sure your wild animal’s human baby’s razor-sharp nails are trimmed. Because of the love that flows freely between mother and child, your baby has a natural desire to look longingly into your loving, maternal eyes. As a smaller infant, he or she just had to wait for these candid moments to arise naturally. Now, however, your baby has developed sufficient fine motor control to forcefully pry your eyeballs open for that magical gaze at any given opportunity.
2. Secure your shirt to your pajama pants with baby-safe diaper pins. Your mushy postpartum belly can be a suffocation hazard. 
3. Tie back those flowing locks of hair. This is an obvious strangulation hazard. Of whom, we know not. It is probably the problem of baldness that drives babies to pull their mothers’ hair. You have so little left from the postpartum shedding. Keep it safe. Remind your baby that his or hers is coming in nicely, even if it’s totally not.
4. Identify and remove lethal weapons such as sippy cups, toys, and television remotes. These items will most certainly be wielded against you at your most vulnerable moment. 
5. Protect your face. It is singular that no one has yet to invent a face shield for co-sleeping parents. It would need to be clear, of course, so you can see your innocent offspring nestled so close, and yet durable so you don’t have to explain a black eye. Until this product is available, you will want to familiarize yourself with the brace-for-impact position.
6. Protect the baby from your face. Although this child might regularly attempt to steal a bite from the dog bowl or suddenly lick the Target shopping cart wheel, your regular beauty routine could pose significant risks to a developing baby. For instance, anti-aging creams might slow down your baby’s development. Who can wait for that next milestone? 
7. Ditch the disposable breast pads if you are still nursing. The older child knows the hand that feeds him and will find these delightful-looking circles that resemble cookies and smell like love. Invest in cloth to avoid accidental ingestion.
8. Purchase a co-sleeping crib and install it to the side of your bed. At some point, you’ll want to actually sleep. A co-sleeping crib allows you to slide the baby on over and actually rest. Besides, it’s still co-sleeping because its called a co-sleeper. Alternatively, consider installing a “co-sleeping” twin bed next to your regular bed. Then you can just move instead.
9. Position ample pillows at both ends of the bed. This way, you or your spouse can switch to the foot of the bed with minimal risk of awakening your beloved dictator and might accomplish up to one hour of sleep. Keep “guest” blankets on the couch, just in case.
10. Search Amazon for a highly-rated hand-held vacuum to remove the crumbs from your little ones late night/early morning snacks. Of course, you should regularly wash your bedding. Probably. I heard that urine was sterile.