When Husband Is Jealous (of the Kids)

Whose husband works 50+ hours per week all of the time? I know not just mine.

My husband works a lot. When he is here, there are 14-hour days. Then he travels for work and can be gone for months. Being honest, that’s bothered me in the past (sometimes in the present too). I know he works to provide for our family. Still, I’ve felt neglected, a little jealous of time spent with coworkers. I’ve thought: It isn’t fair. Where is the time with me? 

Did I mention I’m a stay-at-home mom? Kind of ridiculous, asking him to work less because of my emotions and feelings. So I keep them to myself because he has to work. It doesn’t mean those feelings change or go away.

Reality Check from an Unexpected Source

We all have friends we vent to about married life and parenthood. They are also juggling being a wife, momma, and employee. You know, that friend you call after your husband has gotten on your last nerve. The friends who say, “Ugh, girl my husband too. We never have date night; all he does is work.” I also have some awesome friends of the male persuasion — guys I’ve known since I was 12. We mostly talk around holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. They need gift ideas for their wives, and I for my husband. We also talk about marriage and parenting.

During a recent chat with one of these guys, something was said that made me laugh so hard I almost choked. I stopped laughing and realized my friend was quiet. He was serious. What did he say? He said, “Maybe your husband is jealous of the kids; I bet he feels neglected because any free time you have is for the boys.” 

It’s Not My Fault My Kids Need Me

I was kind of ticked off. My first thoughts were: The kids need me; they are still young. It’s my job to take care of them. A completely logical argument, right? I continued with, “Y’all are grown men; you know everything we moms do. Chill out, and get over it.”

Then he told me what was going on in his home. I ended up saying to him, “Oh, that isn’t fair. When do you guys have time together?” Talk about your lightbulb moment. His wife and I were doing the same thing. Our husbands felt left out, jealous.

When you think about it, it makes sense. We fully commit to our children. So much of our energies are given to them — barely having time for ourselves. Where is time for our spouses? I know my husband has to work. He knows I have to take care of the boys. We pretty much both keep our mouths shut. Now, how do we stop and fix this?

Planning a Date Night Is Easy; Actually Going Takes Effort

Okay, date nights: easy way to have adult time. Way easier said than done. One challenge is scheduling, actually finding a day/time that works. Next challenge on date night: staying awake. How about finding a reliable sitter who doesn’t cost more than the actual meal you will have?

To find a sitter, have you heard about about kid swaps? A circle of married friends helps each other out with date night kid swaps. Once a week, they swap kids. Free and trusted sitter problem solved. One weekend a month, you have extra kids, and one weekend a month, you have no kids. Great idea, right? Not a solution for all times or all families, so try date night at home.

Put kids to bed (cross fingers they stay asleep) and have date night at home indoors, on your porch, whatever works best. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just time together without kids. A quick search can provide fun ideas and things to do. I asked my married friends how they spent date nights at home. I heard some really great ideas. We love sports in our home. Rarely do we get to sit through a big game together, either because of schedules, or tending to the boys.

I was given the great idea to record games and watch them later when kids go to bed. Make chips, wings, whatever you would have at a sports bar. You could do the same with a movie. If you both are into video games, play some together.

Oh, and date night is not an option. Have it on whatever calendar you use permanently for when it is agreed upon and set. It cannot be an option by either person.

I Had to Adapt in My Day-to-Day, but It’s Worth It

So, yes — date nights are great and, once pulled off, a wonderful way to reconnect. But how about ways to do that every day? Ways that don’t require scheduling, planning, and swapping kids? One really simple way I have tried was putting down my cell phone. Often my husband comes in late, and I am (finally) sitting down and doing the endless scroll. He tells me about his day, and I sit there listening, but not really. I now make the conscious effort to put down the phone or laptop and let him know my full attention is on him.

One thing I still struggle with is not letting every single word that comes out of my mouth be about the kids. And you know what — that actually helped me too. That also meant I had to find something to do that was actually about me and not our boys, so that I have something else to speak about. Go figure — win win there.