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Talking to kids about sex can be intimidating, so I did a lot of research before I had the talk with the first of my three boys. For me, the sex talk was much more than talking about what changes to expect when puberty hits, and the technical aspects of sex, although that was definitely part of it. I also wanted my boys to have no doubt in their minds what the definition of consensual sex is, and for them to understand all of the emotional, physical, social, and legal consequences of intimacy.
The Talk
The introduction to puberty and “sex talk” was different for each of my boys. My oldest was curious and asking questions at the age of eight, so that’s when I sat him down and shared some books with him. I loved using picture books to initiate this discussion because they were non-threatening, had colorful illustrations, were thorough, and more important, gave me the vocabulary on his level.
My middle son showed no outward interest in having the talk, but he was mature beyond his age, and I knew that as he went into fifth grade, it was time. I decided to have the talk with my youngest during the end of his fifth-grade year because he came to me, embarrassed that kids at school were talking about being gay and he didn’t know what it meant. His maturity wasn’t necessarily at a point where I felt it was necessary for him to know everything, but I also didn’t want him getting an “education” from his peers. I wanted this particular discussion to happen at home and to cover everything I thought was important, so I opted to have his talk a bit sooner than I probably would have without the prompting of the kids in his class.
Resources
I used three books to help me get through sharing this information with my kids. The first book is called Changing You by Dr. Gail Saltz. This book helps you navigate kids through what can be an intimidating discussion of puberty and all of the changes their bodies will undergo. The information is simple, clear, and matter-of-fact. The friendly illustrations helped my kids relate to the information and not become overwhelmed. I also used What’s the Big Secret?: Talking About Sex with Girls and Boys by Lauren Krasny Brown. I love this book because it teaches about sex without making it seem scary. It’s also not preachy, which allowed me to share our family’s values about sex with my children.
To help prepare my own thoughts before I had the talk with my sons, I used the book Talking to Your Kids About Sex by Dr. Laura Berman. It helped me work through my own thoughts on what I wanted to say to them and the attitude I wanted to convey. It was really important to me that my kids felt like I was being honest with them. I used scientific terminology for body parts and discussed social norms. We talked through topics like masturbation and gender identities. It was important to me that these discussions happened naturally and that I handled them with grace. I wanted my kids to feel comfortable talking to me about difficult things. I really don’t think you can start this habit of communication early enough.
Consent and Sexual Misconduct
My oldest is 16 now. I hope I’ve done a good job of teaching him the importance of treating everyone with respect and kindness. He is a tender soul. I can’t imagine that he will ever find himself in a situation where any girl feels he’s taken advantage of her, but I want my son to be prepared. I want him to understand, explicitly, what sexual consent means before he is ever in a position to make those choices. This required a sit-down talk all its own.
Before sharing my own thoughts and opinions on the subject, I openly and honestly defined sexual consent as someone saying “yes” out loud. Not saying “no” isn’t consent. Silence isn’t consent.
We also had very frank conversations about what is considered sexual harassment, and we talked about how much trouble one could get in even just making jokes of a sexual nature. Again, I don’t think my sensitive boy would have issues with this, but good parenting is thorough parenting. This probably won’t be the only discussion we have about this.
I’m also not a naïve parent. I know that there is a good chance my kids will experiment with sex before they are mature adults in committed relationships, so we also covered the use of condoms, and had a talk about STDs. I want my kids to make informed decisions when it comes to choices that could affect their entire lives.
I’ve armed them with the knowledge they need to make good choices. Hopefully they’ll follow my advice, and our frequent talks will help them keep our family’s values in mind. I know that I have done all I can to make sure they have the tools necessary to make those choices and that I’ve created a safe environment for them to talk to me about these things.
My best advice for any parent preparing to have these discussions with her kids is to get your thoughts straight first. Do your research, and consult expert opinions for yourself. Arm yourself with all of the knowledge you can, and then be honest. If you act embarrassed, your child will probably be embarrassed; but if you act like this discussion is a right of passage and you feel your child is ready, then he will be more open to accepting what you have to say. A straightforward “talk” will empower your kids and give them confidence that will set them up for a lifetime of good choices.
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