Thankfully, I have not faced the gut-wrenching struggle of infertility.
When I hoped to conceive our third child, I remember the heartbreak and exhaustion of taking a couple failed pregnancy tests. I remember my hope faded to discouragement as I realized I’d have to wait yet another month to see if we were expecting — with no guarantee that the next month would bring good news.
I have no idea how people go through the hope/despair cycle without losing their minds. But many people close to me have endured it for years. Watching people I love struggle with infertility has reshaped how I think and communicate about my own pregnancies and my children.
Know When and Where to Be Excited
I remember, especially when I was pregnant with our first child, how exciting it was to share my news with EVERYONE. I’m not just talking about family and friends; I mean strangers at stores, random people I might pass on the sidewalk, a lady doing my nails . . .
And I still think it’s wonderful to be excited about pregnancy! It is truly such a joyful and miraculous event. But I think I could have been a little more cautious about not oversharing my joy when it came to those close to me who were not pregnant and wanted to be. For some reason, I think I was oblivious at that time that there were people hurting because they wanted to conceive and were unable to.
Now in my forth pregnancy, I find myself a lot more hesitant about oversharing on broad platforms (i.e., Facebook) about my pregnancy. I’m so excited about this baby, but I also understand there’s probably a handful of my Facebook friends who’d love to be pregnant now and aren’t.
Besides being a little more gentle in how I share my joy, I’m also now more cautious about what I say.
“I can’t believe how fast we got pregnant!” “We weren’t even trying!” “My husband just looks at me, and we’re expecting.” “I had no idea how easy it would be for me to get pregnant!”
Statements like these might as well be daggers in the hearts of other women who are struggling with infertility. Words matter, and although these type of statements are often said with no harm meant at all, we might as well just say, “Something must be wrong with you: your health, your sexuality, your relationship, you as a woman.”
Know When and Where to Complain
Sometimes it’s just fun to complain a bit. Sometimes we just need a release as we go through something hard. Sometimes we’re just being honest about real struggles. But it’s so hard to hear someone complain about being in a position you’re dying to be in.
Once I had a friend complain a lot about an issue she was having about her vacation home in Colorado. She seemed very overwhelmed by it, and I couldn’t help but just keep thinking, “Dang, I’d be so happy to have a vacation home to have problems with!”
Many struggling with infertility would be more than happy to endure morning sickness, aches and pains, and child-raising challenges. It doesn’t mean those things aren’t hard, but many would love to have those problems over being unable to conceive.
Of course there is a time to share our struggles, but it’s important to know with whom to share them. Maybe we shouldn’t complain on a large-scale platform where we reach a lot of people whom we may not know are struggling with infertility.
Be Sensitive to Those Without Children
I have this terrible memory that still makes me cringe. Soon after my husband and I had our first child, I met a wonderful couple who had been married for a while. They were a number of years older than us and had no kids. In my excitement over our new baby and in my naivety (how easy I thought it was for people to get pregnant), I remember asking this sweet wife when they would have kids.
Looking back, I should have been more sensitive to the fact that I didn’t know this couple well enough to ask a question that is so personal — and one that can potentially be so painful. It was none of my business, and I’m sure it put them in an awkward position as I later learned they desperately wanted children and had been unable to conceive.
Even when we mean well or are just trying to just make conversation, it’s often not our business why people aren’t having kids. Some people feel comfortable talking about their infertility and some understandably don’t. Maybe some people are embarrassed to share their struggle, but I think a lot of them may just get tired of talking about it or don’t want to share with everyone something so painful and personal.
Whatever the reason others may not have children, may we who do enjoy and be grateful for what we have while remaining sensitive that not everyone has the opportunity to share in our experiences.
