Dear Teen Who’s Feeling Left Out

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You’re wounded. You found out that you were excluded from something that surprised you. People that you have good relationships with got together, and you heard about the fun they had. Last night you mentioned to me that some of them seem to be acting a little distant, maybe not really “seeing” you. Confused, you have asked them about what might be wrong and feel patronized by answers that are meant to sound assuring, but you hear them as more confirmation of your rejection. 

I’m your mom, so first . . . can I just give you a hug? For years I’ve been loving you, imperfectly to be sure, but I’m banking on the cumulative effect of these years assuring you of your place in our family. Here you are safe, you are important, a critical piece of who we are and what we’re building. So put your head on my shoulder, wipe those tears on my sleeve, and hear what I have to say next, love. 

You’re not THAT important. No, don’t start crying again . . . hear me, please. The universe isn’t plotting against you. While the pain you’re feeling is real (and I’ve been there), it’s an everyday occurrence. Excluding, ignoring, or patronizing are not new ways to hurt people and you’re not the first one to suffer. Also, I’m guessing that at some point you have probably been guilty of hurting someone that way, even if unintentionally. 

Pain has a way of isolating us, and it can be easy to see only inward. Child, don’t let pain win or have the last say. You’re one teenager, a wonderful one at that, and most teenagers will struggle just like you are right now. And, while much of this is hardest at your age, I can pretty much promise you that you’ll encounter it as an adult too. 

I’ve felt left out several times as an adult, even recently. And you know what? I’m not that important either. I’m not going to be included in every social event that everyone plans, and I can’t be close friends with everyone I know. Sometimes I hear about things happening that sound amazing and that I’d enjoy, and I could easily make the mistake of assuming I was purposely excluded. But, maybe I wasn’t. 

Maybe people aren’t thinking of all the ways they could hurt me. What if they’re just planning something, inviting people, and can’t invite everyone? I’m not being bullied or mistreated simply because I’m not at every party, every gathering. And you aren’t either. 

Can I make some suggestions? Go hang out with people. Ask friends to get together. Plan an event. Instead of wondering if others are excluding you, go and include someone. There is such freedom in forgetting about yourself and focusing on others, and I want you to feel that freedom! Not everyone will like you, and even of those that do, not everyone will be your best friend. Learn to be okay with that. 

You have my assurance that I will always love you. When you need advice about relationships, I will listen and help. Don’t ever hesitate to come to me with your struggles or hurts, because I won’t dismiss them or laugh. But, part of being your mom is pushing you, stretching you, helping you to see your world through eyes of wisdom instead of fear or foolishness. I love you enough that I might gently remind you: It’s not always about you. And that is good news. 

Love, 

Mom

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Kristen S
Kristen grew up all over the world as an Air Force brat, with amazing parents and eight siblings. She met husband Dave at college in Chicago, and, in addition to the Windy City, they lived in San Antonio and Northern Virginia before settling in Fort Worth in 2010. Along the way they managed to have six children: Molly (98), Warren (01), Henry (02), Carrie (04), Liam (06), and Donovan (11). Most of her time is spent homeschooling her brood, but Kristen is also a lover of Notre Dame and Seahawks football, IPAs, and winter. She believes in teasing her children mercilessly to keep them well-adjusted.

3 COMMENTS

  1. We have been dealing with this with my daughter for years now, and as an educator, after I blame myself, I turn to research and articles. I have read so many things over the years and this is by far the best thing I have come across. It made me feel better as a parent, because I have said all of these things, however sometimes with a certain tone, that may have lost some of the meaning. Thank you for this, it is beautifully written and hopefully when my daughter reads it, rather than hears it – it will stick!

  2. The subject of being excluded with friends getting together, came up during lunch with my son today. I could tell that not being invited has hurt him even though he put a brave front for me. I looked online and came across your letter “Dear Teen who’s feeling left out!”. What you wrote fit perfectly what I was feeling and I believe what my son was feeling. I am not very good putting words on paper (I ramble and not grammatically correct). But THANK YOU for writing this. I, too, hope my son when he reads this that it will too help and support him. Take care!

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