Mama’s Separation Anxiety

Every mom has heard of (or lived through!) the separation anxiety stage of development . . . and I would argue a fair number of us have also experienced our own share of separation anxiety when it comes to leaving our little one(s) at various points in time.

I remember the first time I was further than one room away from my little guy was a mixed emotional bag. It was day 17 when my mother-in-law “kicked me out” of my own house, citing memories of her experience raising three children, suggesting that I get coffee or see a movie before I come home. Mostly, I drove around crying before going to Trader Joe’s and indulging in fancy chocolate. While it was a relief to be out of the house, I was missing my new baby and wondering how in the world I would ever send him to daycare, much less college!

As a working mom, I have the difficult task of practicing separation from my now six-month old son, Christopher, five days a week. And I won’t lie, it’s not easy. It’s gotten easier, but it’s still hard every time. Once at work, I find myself looking through his pictures on my phone, daydreaming about him, and wondering what he’s doing. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was describing a massive teenage crush! But I guess that analogy captures the power of those feelings, and I don’t think I’m the only one. For many working moms who are killing that presentation, rocking out that report, or helping their patients like a pro, their minds and hearts are also across town napping, squealing, and flinging pureed peas across the room.

My husband and I were fortunate to work out a schedule where family could watch our son during the weekdays, and, until recently, it worked great. I got updates and pictures of my little guy throughout the day and on demand, which helped me feel like I was almost there! However, with the addition of unforeseen scheduling changes, we came to the decision that it was best for everyone to enroll our little love in daycare or “school” two days a week. I notice I like to call it “school” more than any other term, maybe because it makes me feel better about the decision. Working mommy guilt is real!

Well today was the big day — Christopher went to “school.” Which means it was a big day for me too . . . the first day I allowed a stranger to care for my child. SCARY! And it’s no wonder that it’s so hard for moms to take that step, whether with daycare or a new babysitter on date night. It’s true what they say about children feeling like a piece of your heart walking (or crawling/rolling/scooting) around outside of your body. It’s just plain human to protect our hearts and be cautious in trusting new people with the care of such a delicate and vulnerable part of ourselves and our families. At the same time, protecting our hearts and children too intensely can have its own downsides.

So as I remind myself on an hourly basis, I invite my fellow mamas to join me in remembering that our separation anxiety is NORMAL! And it’s as normal as the anxiety our kiddos experience at various stages in their development . . . and just as temporary. Of course, the same way that children re-experience this stage along the way (e.g. going to preschool/kindergarten, going to their first sleepover, going off to college), we are likely to experience it right along with them.

And to be honest, that’s probably healthy. It seems one of the most important ways we can help our children learn to recognize and regulate their emotions is to mirror them. We do this naturally and it’s part of our mommy and human makeup. When baby is smiling, we smile back. When baby is sad, we instinctually put on a sad face. It tells baby, “I see you and I understand how you’re feeling.”

So I’m choosing to view the anxiety I feel today as a sign that my mama instincts are right on. I’m also trying to remind myself that our hearts, and our children, are more than just delicate and vulnerable. They’re also tough and resilient!

That said, I must admit I’m still eagerly counting the minutes till I can pick my little guy up . . . and I may or may not have already called his “school” to check on him. And in case you’re wondering, they say he’s doing great!