Mature Discipline?

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disciplinediscussionDiscipline is tough. For me, the unending need for discipline wears me down. Discipline IS relentless. Consistency is an impossibility. Frustration is inevitable. Each grievance builds upon the other until a tiny infraction feels like the literal end.of.the.world.

It’s soooo easy to get to this point, whatever “this point” looks like for you: Exploding, yelling, stomping off, crying, giving up, opening a bag of chips.

As my children age and we ride the discipline merry-go-round more and more, I can see how my approach to discipline affected my girls — what “worked” and what didn’t. I’ve been able to soak in the seesaw method wisely shared with me early on. I’ve matured in my discipline approach (thank heavens!), and here’s what I’d most like to share with you:

Don’t act like a baby. I often joke when talking about my infant: “Geez, Lou acts like such a baby.” I’m poking fun at my tendency to expect my children (yes, even sometimes my teeny tiny one) to behave with more maturity than their age allows. Children are not tiny adults. Expect children to misbehave. Expect children to need direction about rules, social interactions, new tasks, and chores. In many instances, their mistakes are opportunities for instruction. Expect children to be children. So much parental frustration can be avoided by shifting our perspective to this: Don’t be surprised when kids make mistakes — intentional and unintentional mistakes.

And along those lines, don’t act like a baby. Yes, I mean you. Do not match your toddlers tantrum with one of your own. Don’t pout like your tween. No need to win that yelling match with your teenager. Oh my stars and stripes, I have learned the hard way that part of discipline means modeling the appropriate reactions when I am wronged, confronted, stressed, and so forth. There are times when a situation warrants a passionate, emphatic response. There are other times when a situation warrants calm, reserved tones. But all call for self-control. Model that to those cute kids of yours.

Snowball fight . . . er, fight against the snowball effect. Make a conscious effort (y’all, this is work) to address each offense as an individual incident. This means you must stop taking a sin inventory, keeping a tab on the wrongdoings of the day. If you can do this, you can handle each moment of discipline in a calmer, more rational manner. Of course, children will commit the same offense repeatedly — and there is room for discussing that and even adjusting the discipline based on that fact — but don’t allow your frustration and exasperation to snowball.

Consistency is queen; we all know that is true. But, might I suggest to consistently show grace in your discipline? To always wrap instruction and correction in a softer, louder version of “for your own good.” Explaining what we hope for our children, what we dream for our children, and how we plan to help them mature goes a long way — for you and your child. This reminds both that discipline comes from love, discipline hopes for good things.

And while you are showing grace to those little treasures entrusted to your care, why not show yourself some grace? You are not perfect. You cannot pull off your discipline plan successfully every time, maybe even most times. Discipline is not a formula. Do this + do that = children who will never fail or disappoint. That equation is not true. So go easy on yourself when you realize “that” could’ve been handled differently. Apologize to your kids when needed. Shake it off and move on.

What have you learned about discipline in your parenting journey? Share it with us!

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