Disciplining A Strong-Willed Child

Before you read any further, I should make one thing clear: The only thing I am 100% sure of when it comes to parenting is that I am sure of NOTHING.

Looking for fool-proof tips on discipline? Not here. Hoping this writer has answers to your parenting dilemma? Not a chance. But I can offer you two things: my empathy, and Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Ice Cream (it won’t make your child magically obedient, but it has been a little salve to this mama’s wounds at the end of the day).

My little girl is 16-months old, so we have just begun our journey in disciplining her. I remember reading a “My Toddler” BabyCenter email about this new phase, looking at my husband and saying “So I guess it’s time to finally parent.” Up until that point, all we really had to do was keep our little girl alive. If her behavior now is nothing compared to the terrible twos or threes, then I’m not sure I will live to be 30. From the beginning, our little girl has been strong-willed and stubborn. (My parents would say she is her mother’s daughter, but I have no idea where they are getting that from.)

As we considered names when she was still a bun in the oven, my husband and I landed on a name that had spunk. All the girls/women that we knew with her name were spirited, outgoing, and fiery. Oh, she fits the description and then some. Knowing what we know now about her little spirit, the challenges we faced with her as a mere 2-month old make so much sense.

I, like many of you, could list the things that make some of our days challenging: the food battles, learning to share, the YELLING that raises your blood pressure like the THAT GUY THAT SENDS YOU EMAILS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. I will save you all (and my sweet girl, who is highly likely to read this post about her toddler-self in 20 years) from the nitty-gritty details, and instead simply say that for what I believe to be age-appropriate when instructing and disciplining her, nothing seems to have worked. Again, I’m sure you can relate.

Like I said, if you are searching for answers, I have none.

But there are a few things I have learned that have been especially helpful for me and my young toddler:

• Consistency is key. Our little girl is certainly beginning to understand that the world has rules and guidelines. She will not understand everything I am trying to teach her, like the concept of sharing or how food that has fallen in the wood chips at the playground will not taste very good. But she does need to learn them, and so I will consistently explain to her as she figures out how things work.
• Respect your child’s level of understanding. Like I mentioned above, there are many things she simply doesn’t understand. I find myself trying to reason with her, expecting her to look up at me and declare “Of course mommy, you are so right. I know I will break that glass if I touch it, so I promise not to touch it again.” Most of the time, she does not need my discipline, but rather to be taught and redirected. Patiently.
• Other moms are a wealth of ideas. Our little girl is not the first spirited child, so there are plenty of ideas out there that we can try to see what might work for us.
• Don’t take it personally. I find that when I start to raise my voice or let my temper flair, it’s usually a sign that something is off. This little 20 lb. person is not trying to push my buttons. Take a deep breath.
• One bad day or bad decision will not ruin her for life. I have fought this thought since the day she was born, and this is probably the biggest one for me. I will make bad decisions, even well-intentioned ones. Parenting will be filled with trial and error, and rough days/weeks/months will not last forever. And today’s poor parenting and unsuccessful discipline methods can be improved tomorrow. Mercy anew for you, mama.
• Perfect children do not exist, so don’t get caught in the trap of trying to manufacture one. My husband and I are blessed to have a community of friends that we greatly respect and admire, and who are both strong in character and humble of heart. They embody qualities that I hope will be said of my own children one day. And yet there own kids are wild and crazy at times, misbehaving and testing boundaries. What makes them different is not faultless parenting or perfectly obedient children, but love and intentionality. Focus on building up little ones strong in character, not just perfect in behavior.

At 7:30 each night, I plop down on my couch, exhausted from the day, yet still eager to see my blue-eyed babe the next morning, where I will focus on loving her well, shepherding through these new systems she is learning, and laughing. May there always be lots of laughter.

What have you found especially helpful when navigating discipline in your home?