When I first saw those two pink lines, I was totally clueless as to how much craziness was waiting to jump at me like a demented jack-in-the-box. I imagined motherhood being filled with sweet, learning moments and hugs like the conclusion of an episode of Full House (or Fuller House, thanks Netflix). I had no idea the amount of burp cloths and yoga pants involved, or how many time-outs and negotiations were awaiting on the other side of infancy. Something else that caught me off-guard was the new vocabulary.
I decided to put together my new motherhood words in what I like to call “The Momtionary.” The Momtionary includes totally made-up words that only moms and dads can understand, and also different meanings for existing words. To which can you relate?
Caillou-ing: (v.) 1. To unnecessarily (and unceasingly) whine for no known reason. Also see Nails on a Chalkboard. 2. To unite moms and dads from all over the parenting-spectrum, because ne’er will you find one who disagrees that Caillou is the single worst thing to happen to children’s television.
Teether: (n.) 1. A bumpy, rubber object on which a baby may chew to relieve pain when cutting new teeth. 2. Infant or toddler child who at one point or another was cute and cuddly but has transformed into a compulsive biting, angry monster with tiny, sharp needle-teeth.
CFA (or Chic-fil-a): (n.) An overly child-friendly restaurant that serves healthy grilled chicken nuggets but you only ever order the fried ones because well, you just want your kids to eat something. Note: A wise parent must only ever refer to Chic-fil-a by it’s call name (CFA) until walking into the building, lest an unforeseen event change your plans and begin the weeping and gnashing of tiny teeth, ruining all of the lives.
Sick Day: (n.) See Motherhood Unicorn.
Crap-nap: 1. (adj.) A period of time where a child closes his or her eyes for 10-30 minutes and calls it a “nap.” For the record, sugarplum, a real nap lasts for a minimum of 60 minutes. So, if you would like for mommy to be pleasant for the remainder of the day, please go back to sleep. Thank you, little muffin. Also see “Pre-nap.” 2. (n.) A nap literally ruined by poop. Double whammy.
Car Potty: (n.) a small, portable potty seat that is left in the car for emergency pee-pee or poopy situations. Essential for potty training young people. Also good for keeping narrow, little hips from falling in the big people potty.
PVSD (or Post Vomit Stress Disorder): (n.) Uncontrollable physical or emotional response to the sound of coughs or splatters after a bout with the dreaded stomach bug.
Starbucks: (n.) Mom-heaven where one can receive liquid energy from the gods in order to power through a day filled with poop, toy mines, and at least 30,000 meltdowns.
Grocery shopping: (v.) Approximately two hours a week spent wandering through grocery aisles, pairing random food items together to spend hours cooking, only for said food items to be placed directly in the trash can. Such visits typically consist of saying “No” to numerous pieces of candy and/or toys that are perfectly placed at eye level for small children. #thanksmarketinggeniuses 
Witching Hour: (adj.) The time of day between nap and the arrival of the spouse. This time period often consists of endless snacks and repeat Daniel Tiger episodes as well as begging and pleading with tiny people to “Please just let me cook dinnerrrrr!!!”
Daddy Stay Home Day: (n.) a.k.a. Saturday and Sunday or any day that daddy stays home (and isn’t sick). It’s a big deal. For everyone.
Mom Guilt: (n.) That nagging (and completely false) feeling that nothing you do as a mother is right and everything will end in the ultimate and irreversible destruction of your children.
Threenager: (n.) Take the body of a three year old and put the attitude of a 13 year old in it, and you’ve got yourself a threenager. Living with a threenager is similar to living with a crazy person. The highs are super high, and the lows are under the ground. There is no predicting when the giggles of joy will turn to shrieks of anger over absolutely nothing.
Laundry: (n.) The never-ending mound of clothing that must be washed, dried, folded, and dispersed for what seems to be hourly. Much like the gremlin, laundry multiplies with the touch of water. Before you know it, you’re buying m
ore laundry baskets to fit all. of. the. laundry. Eventually all moms wise up and learn there is zero point to folding the nagging pile of clothes. It’s just going to get dirty, again. Not today, laundry. Not today!
Unconditional Love: (n.) With all the ups and all the downs, all the stains and all the toys, you still miss those little boogers at the end of the day when they’re finally (thank God) tucked into their beds. You lay awake at night recounting the laughter, kisses, and stolen snuggles, wondering how you ever lived a day without them.
What words would you add to The Momtionary?
