Making Sure In-Laws don’t become Out-Laws

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With summer comes extended time with extended family . . . long days jam-packed with chlorine and cookies, grandparents that spoil over-love (with fabulous intentions), and bedtimes that make you want to kick your husband in the shins and blame him for everything that’s wrong in the world.

“This is for all the starving children in Ethiopia, and THIS is because your dad gave our son donuts for supper AGAIN!”

I’m blessed that both my husband and I get along very well with our in-laws (unless of course after this article we don’t), but nevertheless, here are some important things we have to put into play in order for these relationships to be protected and honored appropriately.

1. Evaluate your expectations.

My mother-in-law made it very clear when I was pregnant with my first child that she was a not the kind of grandmother that knitted blankets and made cookies for her grandchildren. She did, however, commit to buying them any cookie they wanted and making sure they were dressed in style. For me to want to drop my kids off at her house for days on end is as unrealistic as her expecting me to hand wash my bed sheets daily and hang them in the sun to dry. People are who they are, and parenthood (or grandparenthood) doesn’t change that. Don’t expect anyone to be someone or something he or she is not.

My MIL with my son. I'll take this over a knitted blanket any day.
My MIL with my son. I’ll take this over a knitted blanket any day.

2. Focus on the positive.

At this point, I have a choice. Be bitter about the fact that there’s not a hot plate of cookies every time I visit or be really grateful for the Baby Gap tags on the inside of my toddler’s jeans.

Perhaps your in-laws aren’t big on family vacations, but they make a point to take your kids to the park once or twice a month.

Maybe your spouse’s family doesn’t have as many family traditions as you’re used to, but consider the fact that this allows you to spend those holidays or special occasions with your family, or that it allows you to focus on beginning your own traditions with your kids.

When you allow yourself to dwell on the negative, you tend to find things that validate what you already believe. If I’m convinced that my father-in-law is a complete misogynist (full disclaimer: he is not), then every statement he makes about my cooking will make me think he’s determined I belong in the kitchen where I should be seen and not heard.

Psychologists call this a confirmation bias, and it’s a slippery slope to misery from there.

3. Determine your boundaries.

As with most issues in life, some boundaries can be drawn out in chalk, easily erased and reassigned as a circumstance requires and others should be etched more permanently. Like a Sharpie. On a white couch. A white leather couch.

As a couple, you have to decide what issues require the sharpie. And when to grab the chalk.

For us, bedtime in our house is pretty standard. We have siblings whose kids stay up until 10:30/11:00 at night and it works well for them. But we have learned that sleep begets sleep for our kids, and if we miss that heavenly window between 7:30 and 8:30, we are in for a long night and probably a difficult following day. Nevertheless, there are occasions that we decide it’s worth it. No big deal, we’ll run our kids ragged and survive to tell the stories.

On the other hand, we have a very strict, no-tolerance policy for bullying. That means grown-ups too. Even if they’re just “poking fun.” We don’t allow anyone to talk to our kids in a way that’s demeaning or disrespectful whether they’re friends, cousins, or grandparents. Sometimes that feels a little awkward; as we have to ask people to please speak kindly or to stop being mean, but eventually people respect the culture of honor that we are trying to cultivate in our children and our home.

 4. Stop nit-picking.

If you find that you and your in-laws disagree about something–politics, parenting, homemaking–agree to disagree instead of trying to change their minds. It’s rarely effective to point out someone’s flaws or criticize his or her choices, and it certainly isn’t polite. Familiarity often breeds some kind of strange entitlement. If a couple from church invited us over to dinner, I would not immediately walk into her kitchen and ask him why in the world he’s grilling the steak on foil instead of charring it on the grate like Bobby Flay. I wouldn’t tell her that her career choice was a one way ticket on a runaway train. Opinions are like domesticated tigers: fun to brag about, but better left caged up.

5. Saddle up with your partner.

Whether you feel like your in-laws are overly critical, too involved, not involved enough, unsupportive, passive aggressive, manipulative, absent, the bottom line is they are still family.

I’m often guilty of getting defensive when my husband brings up issues that involve my side of the circus, and I carry around an arsenal of resentment that usually involves statements like: “Easy for you to say; you see them twice a year” or “Oh yeah? Well, you were raised on rock and roll, and I went to church six times a week . . . who turned out better?!” I’m clearly very mature and highly skilled in diplomacy.

The truth is, you and your spouse are not going to see eye to eye on everything. Marriage is strange that way: take two different people, from entirely different backgrounds with entirely different family dynamics, put them in a house together, allow them to procreate and start a family of their own. Agreeing on everything right out of the gate is nearly impossible.

But in the same way that you have to present a united front to your kids to keep from being manipulated and torn apart, it’s important to be able to do that with your extended family as well.

You’re on the same team, and being able to stand together on issues is like bubble-wrapping your marriage. It’s easier to protect something fragile then to piece together something broken.

What’s your best advice for nurturing the in-law relationship?

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Jody
Jody hid in the hills of Missouri until her husband, Caleb, rescued her and made her a Mrs . . . at least that’s the story he tells. A mere four years in and they’ve added a brilliant, big-hearted boy, Jude(2010) and an equally endearing, Oliver(2013) to their family. Still pretty amazed at the fact that she grew too tiny humans when she can’t even keep a rubber tree plant alive, Jody recently stopped traveling with a ministry conference team to stay at home and rough and tumble around with her boys. She loves Jesus, coffee, and big sunglasses, and keeps her inner gypsy alive by traveling whenever she gets the chance.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Great Job Jody.. I love reading these blogs from you.. I have an issue though that it seems like no one has an answer to. You know us and somewhat of our background but, you know that I have a son from a previous marriage. My MIL doesn’t treat him like she treats her “real” grandchildren. She buys him things on holidays but, that’s all the attention she gives him. She never asks about him, when I bring him up in conversation she is short and changes the topic, I have invited them to every sport, event, play he has been in and she has never came. P says its because she doesn’t know how to react but, it has really hurt my feelings and I have cried numerous times bc I feel like she is leaving him out because he is not her sons blood. I have let it slide for almost 5 years but I don’t know how much longer I can take it.. Any suggestions.. (and no talking to her doesn’t work bc she just makes up an excuse and changes the subject).. 🙁

  2. absolutely LOVE this!!! =) can’t wait to read more. (The girl that sat next to you on the plane with the twin babies :))

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