Who Are You? On Keeping Your Identity as Mom and More

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Having one kid is hip. You can still attend most of the same functions, perfectly dressed baby in tow, lament over the sleep deprivation, but still take 479 pictures a month to prove what a great parent you are. Baby No. 2 comes along, and the game completely changes. Varied nap times, two carseats, a fuller diaper bag, and where-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-put-these-babies when I go grocery shopping? Pictures to remember it all? Are you kidding? I don’t even remember to wear deodorant some days.

Some of the challenges have relatively simple solutions: baby carrier, monster purse, preschool . . . but some of the issues that come with parenting multiples run much deeper.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who is a now a mother of two. We were talking about identity, and what it looks like to be a woman that loves motherhood but finds herself desperately wanting to be separate from it at times.

In fairness, this might happen to every woman, regardless of how many kids you have or when, but since I’m a thirty-ish mother of two, this is my reference point.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, but this family thing is not always cartwheels and dandelions . . . particularly when you’re the kind of person that functions best with order and alone time. Some days I feel like an Italian in Korea BEGGING for some melted cheese.

Maybe you’re the kind of mom who has proudly taken off every other hat to put this one on, and for that I commend you. But if you, too, find yourself sometimes wondering what happened to the (insert your name here) that you used to know, here are a few things I’ve learned that allow me to still be me in the middle of all this motherhood stuff.

This Is a Phase.

An older mom gave me this piece of advice when I was pregnant with my first child. She was using it in reference to some of the basic practicalities of motherhood: teething, weaning, sleep regression, etc. But I’ve found that with boys that grow faster than mold in a misplaced sippy cup, it applies to just about everything.

Get them on a schedule: four meals, two snacks, a long nap, and everything runs smoothly. This is a phase.

Up four times a night . . . per child . . . changing bedding (or if you’re a bad mom like me, throwing a towel over the sheet and taking care of it in the morning). This is a phase.

Thumb sucking, stuffed animal toting, complete meltdowns because their blanket is still in the dryer? This is a phase.

People further along in the journey remind me often that I’m in the conditioning season of parenting. Changing diapers and making meals and bathing multiple times a day (them, not me, unfortunately) feels like the equivalent of having loud voices telling me to do 100 pushups when my arms feel like pool noodles. But as with any conditioning, this is just preparation for the next. While other phases of parenthood might be more emotionally taxing, they won’t all be as physically demanding as the season I’m in right now.

I Am Enough.

It doesn’t matter that I’m not on the top rung of a corporate ladder or that I’m not a bestselling author. How much money I make, or how clean my house is, or how freshly made up I look at 3 o’clock in the afternoon doesn’t define me.

I am vastly important to at least two really significant people: my kids. And even though they may not have the language to communicate it, they think I’m pretty awesome. Their smiles every morning prove it.

 I Can Only Teach What I Live. 

Another conversation that seems to keep sprouting up when I’m talking to other moms is this innate sense of selfishness when it comes to taking time for ourselves.

I’ve never heard a mom say, “Boy, I sure do hope my kids rely on me for everything up until the day they die.” Because one of the most important tasks of parenting is teaching our kids to be kind, respectful, and self-reliant members of society.

I want my boys to grow up knowing that a healthy person is one that identifies what he needs and then makes it happen. This is a very difficult lesson to teach if I am empty, tired, and resentful.

Learning how to take care of ourselves is just as imperative as taking care of others. 

We All Grow Up.

The bottom line is, as we hear far too many times in the early years of parenting, that our kids will grow up faster than we can imagine and before we know it, we’ll look back and wonder what happened to the years.

Virginia Woolf Quote

The truth is, while our kids are growing up, so are we. We shift our priorities and move things around a bit in our imaginations. Some dreams get bigger, and other less important ones might fade away for awhile. I love what Virginia Woolf says about this: “Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”

You can’t stop being (insert your name here) just because you’re a mom, and the people in your life that love you don’t want you to. Your kids are not the end of you. They are really brilliant characters that came along to be part of your story. It’s up to you to make it worth their while.

Have you ever found yourself having an identity crisis now that you’re a mom? How do you stay you?

 

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Jody
Jody hid in the hills of Missouri until her husband, Caleb, rescued her and made her a Mrs . . . at least that’s the story he tells. A mere four years in and they’ve added a brilliant, big-hearted boy, Jude(2010) and an equally endearing, Oliver(2013) to their family. Still pretty amazed at the fact that she grew too tiny humans when she can’t even keep a rubber tree plant alive, Jody recently stopped traveling with a ministry conference team to stay at home and rough and tumble around with her boys. She loves Jesus, coffee, and big sunglasses, and keeps her inner gypsy alive by traveling whenever she gets the chance.

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