A Mother's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

As you may know, we have three large baskets that are full of toys, and yet my kids still prefer the Tupperware cabinet. So I’ve come up with some guidelines that could save us both a lot of trouble.

1. If you’re going to bring a gift, please know that my boys will spend most of Christmas day playing with the boxes anyway. Just drop off some cardboard spaceships and a few rolls of wrapping paper.
2. I know the elves work hard all year long to gear up for this season, so if you feel you must bring toys, can they please not have small pieces that I have to keep up with? Barns are nice, and kitchen sets are cool, but it drives me crazy when the lemons end up in the horse’s stall. (And that’s only if they haven’t rolled under the couch never to be seen again.)
3. I’m begging you, no more toys that chirp the abc’s. I get that knowing the alphabet is fundamental language development, but if said toys make me want to gouge my eyes out with forks, what is it doing to my kids?
4. I like wooden toys a lot, or things that require problem solving skills and not batteries. Stuffed animals are fine so long as they don’t talk or move because that creeps my kids out. I prefer toys that inspire imagination, or help teach real life skills, so go with building blocks or a child size broom.

Understand, Santa, I am not a toy snob. It’s not that bigger is better or that more is, well, more. And I’m certainly no Grinch either. I get as excited as the next mom about seeing my kids’ faces light up on Christmas morning. I just don’t want them to ever open a gift and throw it aside to say, “What else?” It’s easy for the magic and beauty of this gift-giving season to get lost in the 250 page catalog that showed up in my mailbox on November 1st.

I’m sure you’re still making your list, but before check it twice, let me remind you: I’ve managed to change 42,117 diapers. I’ve nursed, cooked, cut, smashed and spoon-fed entire gourmet meals, enough to nullify the occasional drive through chicken nuggets that make evenings soooo much easier. I’ve washed clothes, blankets, faces and walls; cleaned up spit up, number 2, and something that looked a bit like a half-eaten rotted apple dipped in mac and cheese. I’ve had dance parties in pajamas, snuggled sleepy babies, scrubbed caked-on dirt off of their little bodies, and held them until their fevers broke. I’ve trimmed toenails weekly, wiped runny noses, and attempted potty training. All this, and I’ve only locked myself in the bathroom once this entire year.

If you feel so inclined to stop by my house this Christmas Eve, let me tell you what would make my day merry and bright:

1. I’d like a morning where I can sleep in: uninterrupted, baby monitor turned off, coffee brewed. In fact, if everyone could leave the house before I even stir, that would be fantastic.
2. I would like to not have to plan for anything for an entire day. Note: this does not mean that it goes unplanned; it means that it will be taking up hamster wheel space in someone else’s brain for a bit.
3. I’d like to lie on the couch in my underpants and watch …well, not Sesame Street…without anyone whining, tugging, or needing. While spending this time on the couch, I’d like to eat an entire box of Crunch Berries without the guilt or the calories.
4. I’d like someone to treat me like I treat my kids at night. They can show up at my house around supper time, feed me, bathe me and wash my hair. They’d warm up the towel in the dryer like I do for my boys when it’s cold, and then carry me to my room where they lotion me up and massage the bottom of my feet. They’d put me in my pajamas. offer me a sip of water, and then tuck me into my bed with my blanket. If they have a soothing voice, I’d like for them to read me a book; otherwise any audio book narrated by Morgan Freeman will suffice.

If you have any questions, you or your elves are free to contact me at any time, although not by phone because my toddler is often using it to play games, and if by e-mail, then you’ll have to wait until after bedtime for a response. Sadly, the best way to get a hold of me is probably by Facebook; it is generally the only form of interaction I have with the outside world on any given day because it doesn’t require more than 30 seconds at a time.

I Still Believe,

Jody McQueary
Mother of Two