When the Grandparent Rules Are Different from the Mommy Rules

Every kid and every parent knows that the rules are different with grandparents. Sure, the main rules are the same: Be nice, don’t hit, don’t lie or steal, be respectful. But let’s face it — there is much freedom with grandparents.

My husband and I first noticed this in our parents (long before they became grandparents), in the way they treated their late-in-life pets. Empty nester pets get lots of toys, expensive food, a place in bed at night, and take up a lot of iPhone picture space. We marveled that while our childhood dogs had been treated like . . . dogs, the new pets were treated like kings. Even the grand-dogs were treated like royalty when they visited. My lab still goes on hunger strikes after staying with the grandparents because her food at home is boring. (She actually told me that.)

So, obviously, when our big girl became the first granddaughter on both sides, she was a princess — immediately.

Here are a few ways the rules are different with grandparents:

1. French fries are suddenly vegetables.

2. Bedtime is negotiable.

3. Naptime is just rest time and can be enjoyed with the company of grandparents instead of alone.

4. Desserts/chocolate milk are a given. (Grandpas typically distribute these BEFORE meals if grandmas aren’t looking.)

5. Happy Meal toys are saved instead of secretly done away with — shhhhh don’t tell my big girl. (Side note: I wish certain fast food establishments that will remain nameless but may or may not rhyme with kick schmonalds would copy Chick Fil-A and give out books instead of insufferable trinkets that clutter up my bungalow.)

S0 . . . what’s a young(ish) mom to do? I see your options as twofold.

1. FREAK THE HECK OUT. Demand that your parents or in-laws obey your rules. If they don’t follow your desires, refuse to leave them alone with your children — ever.

2. CHILL OUT. Remember your parents and in-laws are also parents and that, perhaps, as you are not totally messed up, it’s okay to let them have fun with your kids.

I have tried to adopt the latter. And here’s why: I have great memories of doing stuff with my grandparents that I didn’t do with my parents. I am not messed up as an adult because midday I ate 3 Musketeer bars with them or watched cable TV at their house. Grandparents have already done the hard stuff. They’ve changed diapers and been up all night. They’ve navigated the teenage years. They’ve already been the bad guys with us, while their parents slipped us $20s and hard candies for no reason. Now, it’s their turn to wow the littles with Happy Meals and endless toys.

I say all of this, and just last week I day-dreamed about purging half of the toys we own thanks to aunts, uncles, and grandparents. (Don’t worry, Dad. I didn’t.) The right mindset is a journey and not an immediate decision. As a parent, it takes time to let go. And, sometimes, it’s okay not to let go completely. I have responsible and loving parents and in-laws, and I’m very fortunate. However, I understand not everyone has that situation. If you feel your child is in danger or even if you aren’t ready for your one-year-old to have a sip of chocolate milk (oh wait — that was from her daddy), it’s all right to say something. In most cases, though, it’s okay, too, for grandparents to be grandparents and to let our kids enjoy them.

Epilogue: I started thinking about this when I read this blog.

How do you deal with rule differences in your family?